Unlearning Shame - Making space for curiosity
These past few weeks I have been digging deep into how our cultures and contexts affect our human experience. Selfishly to understand more about the context my work operates in but seemingly it’s opened doors to a tonne of unlearning.
After listening to a podcast this past week, I heard this statement “shame is a barrier to curiosity.” Those words triggered me and took me straight to being in primary school. As I listened, it hit me that my primary school experience was filled with a lot of shame.
Shame : humiliation, distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour
One particular memory that comes to mind was my Swahili lessons. Our Swahili teacher was the kind of man who you avoided eye contact with. He would walk into class, ask everyone to stand up and only allow us to sit down after answering a question correctly. Like most Kenyan kids, my written swahili and vocabulary was not extensive. He also handed out corporal punishment depending on our swahili scores.
This kind of teaching probably played out in most classes depending on which subject was not your best. A style of education that was very common in our African Millenial experience. An experience marked by shame and fear. Shame from being insulted by teachers, punishments (corporal or otherwise), being separated into classes by achievements: classes for the smarter kids.
We many not have labelled it as shame at the time but it manifested into feelings of isolation, fear of being wrong, stifled creativity and curiosity, self-esteem issues and social rejection.
Shame causes us to shut down, turn inwards, triggers feeling of unworthiness and we often end up judging ourselves harshly by being judged harshly.
Some of us carried these into our lived human experience at university, our first careers and are only now working our way to unlearning. In our adult existence we are underselling ourselves, procrastinating, exhibiting fear of recognition and the fear of saying the wrong things. I cannot be the only one making these connections right?
So how can we better support ourselves in this process of unlearning shame. Something I recommend is embracing curiosity. Curiosity is the first step to learning and growth. Curiosity is the kind thing to do for yourself, to identify your shame, unpack where it comes from and forgive yourself.
Here are some prompts that are helpful in sparking the curiosity;
What shame have I been carrying since childhood?
How has this shame affected me to date?
What are some things you do consciously and sub-consciously to avoid this shame?
With compassion, how can you challenge your shame with a new story?
May this unlearning be gentle on your mind,
May it get you to the other side of shame,
May it be full of learning and curiosity.
